Red
by Leaf-Fae
Summary: A fun little retelling of Little Red Ridding Hood featuring black leather boots, a Wolf raised by a mad scientist, and demonic cookies.  Just read it.  One shot.


**As always, thanks to my amazing beta, Wind God's Aria! I'm dedicating this to her, and also everyone who had summer homework and wished they started it sooner. :)**

**I had a ton of fun writing this, and I hope you enjoy!**

Once upon a time there was a girl named Elizabeth Scarlet Justine Rose Johnson II, but everyone just called her Red, firstly because Elizabeth Scarlet Justine Rose Johnson II was a bit of a mouthful, and secondly because she always wore a brilliant crimson cloak everywhere she went. It was made particularly strange because she paired it with skinny jeans and mostly black shirts. Red said she was 'going for a look,' and her mother said she was 'going through a stage,' but the truth was that her cloak was made with pieces of her beloved childhood blankie and had great sentimental value.

Now, on the day our story starts, Red's mother, who was not known for her remarkable cooking skills, had been watching Food Network on an empty stomach. Thus, she decided to try her hand at baking, forgetting that the pantry was long overdue to be restocked.

"What's the big difference between baking powder and baking soda?" she asked the TV, "Do I really need that much flour? I'm a cup short," and "Does it really need to be vanilla extract, because all I can find is lemon." Unfortunately, her cookies wound up far from delicious, not even close to edible, and burnt on top of everything else. Hopefully, Reader, you are able to learn a valuable lesson from her mistake.

Deciding that the best course of action would be to get rid of the evidence, she called down her daughter.

"Honey! I have something for you to take to your grandmother!" she shouted.

Red tripped down the stairs two at a time, sniffing the air with a slightly confused, mostly repulsed look on her face. She gave the cookies a long, hard look and decided it would be best to do whatever she needed to get them out of the house.

"Sure Mom," Red replied, already planning the short walk to the retirement home that passed by the frozen yogurt place. "Which room number is Grandma Lulu in again?"

Red's mother gave a short, nervous laugh. "Actually, Sweetie, Grandma Lulu was in the process of rewriting her will right now. I was thinking you could take these to your father's mother." Delicious dreams of nut toppings floated out of her head.

Red's father had died when she was young due to the occupational hazards of being a daredevil/stunt double. (One of the reasons Red had 'stunted emotional growth' that compelled her to do things like wear a cape made from a baby blanket, according to her friend who was in A.P. Psychology. She clearly knew what she was talking about!) Anyways, it was clear that he had inherited all of his 'spunkiness' from his mother.

"But she lives way out in the middle of the woods. Aren't you concerned about my safety?" our heroine asked, sounding more confused than afraid. Alas, Red often sounded confused; it was her friend in the Advanced Placement class, not her.

"Don't worry Darling," her mother replied. "I'm sure we didn't put you through all of those years of karate for nothing. You'll be fine." This was all said as she thrust a basket into her daughter's arms, dumped the cookies into it, pushed Red out the door, and grabbed the phone to call for pizza.

"But I didn't take karate, I took ballet," Red called, a little too late. She glanced down at the basket. Anything to be rid of those dreadful cookies. Slowly, she ambled down the path, thinking mournfully of the lost frozen yogurt. Maybe she would treat herself when she got back.

Now, Red's grandmother lived deep in the heart of a dark and scary wood, which was filled to bursting with sunshine and butterflies to lure you into a false sense of security.

(You may be wondering how a 'dark' wood was filled with sunshine. Well, Reader, stop asking so many questions, and we can get on with the story.)

On this particular day, a Wolf had escaped from a nearby petting zoo, and was roaming free in the same woods as our dear Red. Unused to woods because it lived in a zoo its whole life, the Wolf was sticking to the path. Yes, my inquisitive Reader, the same path that Red was on.

Red was still thinking about frozen yogurt when she stumbled upon the Wolf. This distraction, combined with the aforementioned fact that she wasn't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, would explain why she didn't notice that 'Wolf' was capitalized, and therefore very important to the story. (She also hasn't noticed that I'm narrating at all. Shh!)

"Hi there!" the Wolf said in a dog-like manner, with his tongue lolling out and everything. "Whatcha got in that basket?"

(Unlike Red, you're probably wondering how the Wolf could talk. He was raised by a mad scientist, okay? Who else would have a petting zoo with a wolf in it? I hope you're happy now.)

If you were paying attention earlier, you will remember me saying that the Wolf escaped from a _petting_ zoo, and will have cleverly deduced that Red was not in very much danger at all. Red herself did not know the origins of the Wolf, her mother having been watching Food Network and not the news. Still, Red was not in the least alarmed.

"I have cookies that I'm bringing to my grandmother in the woods," she replied cheerfully. "Would you like one?"

The Wolf nodded and drooled a little to say that yes, he would like one very much. He didn't often get table scraps or 'people food', living with the mad scientist and was desperate for anything he could get his paws on. Also, he didn't have a very good sense of smell.

Red's nose wrinkled as she lightly tossed one of the cookies to him. He caught it with a loud smack as his jaws snapped together, and in that instant between it touching his tongue and actually tasting it he wagged his tail. Then his brain took in the information that the cookie was disgusting, and also made with lemon, which, incidentally, he had a strong aversion to due to an experience when he was just a pup involving lemon Pledge. (The same incident was the reason he could no longer smell.) He sneezed, howled, and spat the cookie out in no particular order. Regrettably, Red interpreted this as an attack, mostly because the spat cookie landed on her boots (black leather and very kick-ass.) It was also mentioned before that she did not take karate, but rather ballet, but our Red was a resourceful child who still managed to use this to her advantage.

She started with a twirl that caused her leg to collide solidly with the Wolf's, tripping him, and then a graceful little hop that brought her cookie-coated boot to land on his tail. A few more seconds of ballerina style combat and she swan-leapt away elegantly with the remaining cookies. (Yes, all that in her skinny jeans! She's a very talented young lady.)

The Wolf saw this unpleasant turn of events in a most disagreeable light. First the seemingly kind girl had humiliated him, and then while he was incapacitated she attacked him! However docile he had been before, now he was out for revenge. He took out his iPhone and used the GPS app to get directions to Red's grandmother's house. (And before you ask, he knew her address because they were friends on Facebook. I told you she got around.)

(Oh, you were going to ask about the iPhone? I don't really have an answer for that one…)

In any case, using the GPS gave him an edge, and he was able to slip unnoticed into Grandmother's house before Red arrived. While inside he put on one of her zebra print night gowns and slipped onto the futon.

Soon Red arrived and knocked twice. "Come in!" the Wolf called in a passable imitation of an old lady. Red entered.

"Hi Granny!" she said. "I brought you something!" Red walked into the living room where the futon was located and saw the Wolf lounging. (While she did notice that her grandmother was a wolf, past experience told her that she was probably just in costume and to ignore it. Did I mention what a character she was yet?)

"Oh, how nice of you, Dearie! Now, come here and give your Granny a big hug!" the Wolf said, probably intending to renounce his vegetarian upbringing and swallow her.

Luckily, Red wasn't one for hugging and was worried that the Wolf's claws might snare her cloak. She decided to try and distract her 'Granny' instead. "Why, Granny, what big ears you have," she said.

"Umm…" the Wolf blinked twice; was this some sort of a test? "All the better to hear you with, my Dear?"

Red nodded slowly, and the Wolf sighed in relief. "Why Granny, what big eyes you have."

This time the Wolf was confident in answering, "all the better to see you with, my Dear."

"And Granny, what a big nose you have."

(You may remember my mentioning that the Wolf couldn't smell, and therefore couldn't say 'all the better to smell you with, my Dear,' which put him in a bit of a jam.)

He just nodded instead. Red was a little thrown off by this, but bravely soldiered on with the questions.

"Why, Granny, what yellow teeth you have." Once more the Wolf was caught off guard. He had been positive that Red was going to say 'why Granny, what big teeth you have,' at which point he was going to say 'all the better to eat you with, my Dear!' and then grab and eat her. Now his dramatic ending had been ruined. I mean, yellow teeth aren't any good for eating things with. He might chomp down only to discover he had a cavity or gingivitis or something.

Annoyed and discouraged, he responded instead by saying, "what very rude manners you have, my Dear, especially when it was probably your demonic cookies that made them that way."

"But Granny, I didn't even give you the cookies yet… Heeeey!" Red squinted so she could study the Wolf very closely, almost as if she was remembering just who she did give the cookies to.

Realizing that the scam was over and done, the Wolf reached out to grab Red and prepared to gulp her down.

"Why Granny, what big arms you have!" she exclaimed.

"All the better to grab you wi… Wait, I thought we were done with this part!" the Wolf questioned confusedly in his normal voice.

Our protagonist merely shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly before suddenly turning on her tail and fleeing. So, naturally, the Wolf chased right after her to enact his revenge, while they exchanged witty banter such as "AHHHH! HELP ME!" and "YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE!" for roughly three and a half minutes, until Red's real grandmother came back from her shopping trip.

"What is going on here?" she squawked. "I demand an explanation!"

"He started it!" Red whined as she skidded to a halt in front of her Granny. "I was just being nice until he attacked me and my boots! It was only self-defense!"

"And do you have anything to say for yourself?" Granny asked the Wolf.

"It was she who assaulted me with her barbaric baking, and then with her fearful dance moves! I am the innocent one!" The Wolf did his best sad puppy face look that didn't really match his teeth. Granny didn't buy it for one second.

"I don't buy it for one second!" she announced, "That story does nothing to explain what you are doing in MY house, getting fur all over MY favorite zebra print night gown, and chasing MY granddaughter around. Do you care to elaborate?" It seemed that the Wolf actually did not care to elaborate on his plan of epic revenge. To him only one more course of action presented itself to him; he had to cover his tracks by eating them both, Facebook friends or no Facebook friends.

Well, Granny was doing a remarkable job of not getting eaten by whacking the Wolf with her shopping bags, but Red took preventative measures and ran to get her cookies of doom. After rubbing one of the cookies on her, and hiding several more in her sleeves to ensure she would be spat out if anyone tried to eat her, she ran back to assist Granny.

Unfortunately, as soon as the Wolf saw the basket full of his reason for revenge he went into a crazed state that only made him more dangerous. The only bright side was that he was temporarily distracted and Granny was able to pull her foot out of his mouth and get away while Red started throwing cookies with surprisingly good aim.

"Retreat!" she suddenly yelled. "I'm out of ammo; fall back!" Running out into the woods, the two of them climbed a tree (when you live in the middle of the woods there are just some skills you need to have, even if you are as old as Red's Granny) to escape the Wolf. However, the particular tree they were in had a severe case of Dutch Elm Disease and was due to cut down that very day, and actually that exact moment.

After somehow emerging unscathed from the fallen tree, Red's indignant 'hey!' died in her throat as soon as she saw the woodcutter's dreamy blue eyes. Instead, she walked over to him and said, "hi, my name is Red, and there's this crazy Wolf who's after me. Do you think you could help me out with that? And then maybe we could go out for some frozen yogurt?"

And now we have come to quite possibly the most amazing part of our tale. The woodcutter was not scared away by the strange introduction, or her neon-clad Grandmother who was now helping herself out of the tree, or even her strange odor from rubbing cookies on her person. He was not discouraged that he had to defeat a wolf before he could get the girl, or by the fact that he had cut down the tree she was in. Also, he loved frozen yogurt and thought her cape was adorable. Reader, they were soul mates!

Bravely, the woodcutter revved up his chainsaw and advanced toward the Wolf. But, as luck would have it, he didn't need to do anything more than that. In addition to his lemon phobia, The Wolf also had a strong aversion to woodcutters and chainsaws due to a scary movie marathon. He ran back to the mad scientist who welcomed him back like the prodigal son. Never again did he venture out into the dangerous world, except Tuesdays at four when he went to see his therapist about his growing list of fears, that now included girls in red capes, black leather boots, ballet, and, of course, cookies of any kind.

But what of our other characters? Granny continued to live out in the woods, after she got a new security system which included an illegally smuggled attack lion and a rifle. She also stopped accepting baked goods from her daughter-in-law.

Red and the woodcutter had a successful first date after she showered, and they continue to be one of those nauseatingly sweet couples to this very day.

And most importantly, Red's mother stopped baking once and for all when a French bakery was built right next door. She also gained forty pounds, but that, my friends, is another story.

_The End_

**Please review!**


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